The other day I felt like I had been terribly wronged by a friend. I felt betrayed, let down and hurt. I wish that I had left it at just feeling hurt, but I didn’t. After I had thought a while about his actions and his words, my feelings turned from hurt to anger. “Why did he do that?” Why did he say what he did?” “Why did he hurt me?” But most of all, why was I so angry?
That night I went to bed angry. Yeah, as a Christian I know we are not supposed to. Paul says Ephesians 4:26 “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” But I did and I didn’t sleep a wink all night.
Next morning I knew that I needed to do something about this and the thing I needed to do was to forgive him. No matter how wronged by him I felt and no matter how hurt, the thing I needed to do for my own physical, mental and spiritual welfare was to forgive.
So, how do I do that? How do you forgive someone you feel has hurt you? Well, let me share with you some steps I went though to forgive my friend whom I felt had wronged me.
First of all, I made the decision to forgive.
In other words, I chose to forgive. When we are hurt, feel betrayed, pushed aside or feel like we have been just plain ol’ stabbed in the back, we can make one of two choices. Number one: We can choose to hold on to it, refuse to forgive the person or persons who offended us and over time allow that hurt to fester until we become bitter.
I heard about two women who held a grudge against each other for years; so long in fact that both forgot the reason for the conflict in the first place. One of the women became gravely ill. The other hearing of her condition came to her beside and after a brief chat suggested that they ‘bury the hatchet’ over their disagreement. Both agreed! After further conversation, they forgave each other and had a wonderful visit recounting old times.
After a while the visiting woman said her goodbyes and started toward the bedroom door. But hesitating, she turned and said, “By-the-way, should you recover, we never had this conversation.” In other words, she truly had not forgiven. She chose to hold on to her hurt and anger.
The other choice we have is to decide to forgive. Someone has said that “Forgiveness is a choice of the will.” To forgive is a conscious decision. It is not so much an emotion or a feeling as it is a purposeful decision of our heart, mind and will to forgive that one who has either wronged or hurt us, even if that person has not asked for our forgiveness.
Next morning after a sleepless night, I made a conscious decision to forgive the man who had hurt me. It was like a person suffering from an addiction whose first step was to admit that he had a problem. I admitted that for the sake of my own emotional, physical and spiritual welfare, the right thing for me to do was to forgive. I admitted I had a need and I decided to do something about it.
A second thing I did was to let go of any thought or intention to get even.
Just because we have made the decision to forgive, doesn’t mean that our feelings of hurt and betrayal automatically disappear. I made the decision to forgive, but I was still re-living the whole thing and my feelings were still feeling bruised.
That’s when I realized that if I was truly going to forgive him that I had to let him off the hook. You have heard the old saying, “Don’t get mad, get even.” Well, If I truly had forgiveness in my mind and heart, I knew that was not the right thing to do. The right thing to do was to let go of any vengeful notion of getting even.
The right and just thing for me to do in regards to any vengeful feelings I had toward my friend was to search God’s mind and heart in the matter. If there is any wrong to be made right, and any score to be settled, God is just and He is quiet capable of taking care of it.
The Bible says in Romans 12:19 “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, ” VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.” Let God handle any correction or discipline on both sides of the issue. He is the impartial and perfect judge.
Every time you think about how someone has hurt you, release it to God. Let it go. When Jesus was asked how many times we should forgive someone who has wronged us, He said, “seventy times seven” Matthew 18:22. In other words, an unlimited number of times.
When does it stop hurting? Well the truth is, it may never stop hurting and you may never totally forget it. But every time you release it to God and continue to let go of the hurt, the pain will get weaker and weaker.
A third thing that helped was to refocus my thinking.
Rather than focusing on the person and the hurt, I turned my focus on God. As long as I focused on the person who hurt me, the more he and his actions controlled my life.
The writer of Proverbs says, “For as a man thinks within himself, so is he” Proverbs 23:7. The truth is, the more I allowed the one who hurt me to control my thinking, the more likely I would be to become like him. Rick Warren, Pastor and author in an article in The Christian Post said, “Whatever you focus on, you’ll become like. If you focus on pain, that’s what you move toward.”
How do we change our focus? The Bible in Job 11:13-16 says,
“If you want to set your heart right, then pray to him. If you’re holding on to sin, put it far away, and don’t let injustice live in your tent. Then you will be able to show your face without being ashamed, and you will be secure and unafraid. {Then} you will forget your misery and remember it like water that has flowed downstream.” (God’s Word Translation)
Put your heart right. Forgive the person who has hurt you. Reach out to God; talk to Him about it and ask Christ to come into the situation and fill you with His love and let go of any hard feelings you may have.
A fourth thing I did was to respond to the bad with good.
The Apostle Paul tells us in Romans 12:21 “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
My mother used to say to me, “Two wrongs never make a right.” That is so true. I had to get things right in my own heart and thinking. If I was going to find any peace, I realized that reconciliation had to begin in my own heart. So, I determined that I wold forgive him. I would overcome the evil with good.
In this particular instance, I was able to go to the person who had hurt me. We were able to make reconciliation and regain our friendship.
In some cases, that may not be possible. But you can make it right in your own heart and right with God. By doing so, you will have gone a long way in discovering the healing power of forgiveness.